


Don't Be Stupid: An Epic Tale of Romance

by Kantayra



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-06
Updated: 2012-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-29 02:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/314678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The classic fairytale of Naruto and Sasuke's courtship, wedding, and happily-ever-after. With bonus insults, and assassins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Be Stupid: An Epic Tale of Romance

**Author's Note:**

> For kallysten: Happy belated birthday/Christmas/New Years/Kwanzaa/Bastille Day/everything else I missed because I'm slow. D: You are the bestest friend ever, and I wish you stupid ninjas having buttsex _forever_! ♥♥♥

The day Uzumaki Naruto was named Hokage, all of Konoha partied.

The morning _after_ Uzumaki Naruto was named Hokage, all of Konoha discovered that Uzumaki Naruto had gone missing.

His location remained unknown for three whole days until he finally came, sheepishly limping, through the front gates of Konoha on the dawn of the fourth day. His clothes were torn, he was covered in scratches, and he was grinning from ear to ear.

He was also being half propped up by an equally bruised and bloody Uchiha Sasuke. Every single ninja pulled their weapons at once.

“Hn,” Sasuke said disdainfully.

“Hey, hey! Calm down!” Naruto hastily called off his army. “I’m revoking the warrant on Sasuke right now.”

The assorted ANBU looked less than amused at this announcement. Among the least amused were Shikamaru, whom Naruto had placed as head of the army, and Neji, who was technically supposed to be Naruto’s chief bodyguard now.

Most people – even ninjas – would wither under the combined forces of Shikamaru’s and Neji’s displeasure. Naruto just gave them a jaunty wave.

“Sasuke-bastard,” Naruto gave Sasuke’s shoulders an affectionate squeeze, which made Sasuke glare at him and then wince (because he really was quite bruised), “after three whole days of, er, _negotiations_ ,” Sasuke coughed up a little blood, “has agreed to be my bride!”

“Moron.” Sasuke elbowed him in the side. “ _You_ agreed to be _my_ bride.”

“No,” Naruto elbowed him right back, twice as hard, “I only agreed to take on your _name_. You’re _still_ the wife.”

Sasuke’s eye twitched. Everyone reached for their weapons, but it turned out to just be a sign of irritation and not the activation of his Sharingan. “ _I_ proposed. That means _you’re_ the wife,” he all but growled.

“You call that a proposal?” Naruto protested. “You wouldn’t even _talk_ to me until I beat you half senseless—”

“You mean _I_ beat _you_ half senseless.”

“—and then when you _finally_ let me get a word in—”

“You were babbling like an idiot the whole time. As usual.”

“—and I asked you what I could _possibly_ do now that I’m Hokage to make you come back—”

“I still can’t believe this stupid village put you in charge. They must be suicidal.”

“—and you just said ‘Marry me’ like that made _any sense whatsoever_!”

“Being the husband of the Hokage offers my clan political protections.”

“The _wife_ , you mean. And you had political protections before, asshole!”

“You mean the ones that got my entire clan slaughtered?”

“And you think I can do better? Aww!” Naruto beamed. “Sasuke, you _do_ love me!”

“Don’t be stupid,” Sasuke snarled and tried to stalk away.

Both of them immediately stumbled due to their injuries and quickly cleaved back together.

“So, yeah, guys,” Naruto turned his attention back to the stunned Konoha populace. “Meet your new queen!” He gave Sasuke’s shoulders a squeeze.

“Shut up.”

“ _You_ shut up.” Naruto stuck out his tongue.

And, together, the two of them hobbled right through the main gates, unhindered by the very confused ANBU guards.

“Tell me I didn’t just hear that,” Shikamaru pleaded.

“You heard that,” Neji countered, remorseless.

***

No one in Konoha would have thought that Naruto would have been a particularly efficient Hokage, but the very next day he’d somehow wrangled all the wedding preparations in order. During this entire time, Sasuke wasn’t to be seen. Secretly, everyone hoped that the reason was that Sakura had murdered him after all the screaming that had issued from the Hokage’s residence after she’d arrived to treat Naruto’s and Sasuke’s wounds.

There were other whispers about Sasuke’s return, too, of course. How Sasuke had manipulated Naruto into this shotgun wedding. He was taking advantage of Naruto’s noble nature. He’d always been Naruto’s Achilles heel. And now Naruto was going to be trapped forever in a sham marriage to a clan no one even _wanted_ in Konoha, as opposed to that sweet Hyuuga girl who would have treated him right or Sakura, who seemed to be the only ninja in all of Konoha who could beat some sense into Naruto, on rare occasion.

Naruto’s battle to earn the hearts of Konoha had been long-fought, but now Konoha’s hearts were firm: They wanted Naruto to be happy. And, if anything had made Naruto _un_ happy over the years, it was certainly Uchiha Sasuke.

The afternoon of Naruto and Sasuke’s wedding, 114 separate assassination plots were in the making. No one had had time to get to the actual execution set up because the ceremony was so rushed. But there was hardly a single attendee who wasn’t plotting Sasuke’s gruesome demise as the wedding began. Naruto’s closest friends were behind at least half of those.

Both Naruto and Sasuke were dressed in men’s clothing. Both looked equally smug about this fact. They were still bruised and battered, although with their considerable healing abilities – and Sakura’s reluctant assistance – much less so than the day before. Sasuke’s cold, dark eyes flicked about the assembled crowd warily. Naruto had a death-grip on both Sasuke’s wrists, like he was afraid Sasuke was going to run off again.

And, of course, one sniper tried to assassinate Sasuke with poisonous blow-darts, but he was stopped by a very weary Neji right in the nick of time. For a Konoha wedding, only one assassination attempt was actually quite good.

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged their vows amid their murderous friends and acquaintances, although Sasuke’s “I do” sounded a lot more like an annoyed grunt than anything else. Some of the attendees hoped in vain that it had actually been a no, but then Naruto and Sasuke were kissing. And, although it was disturbingly reminiscent of their first accidental not-kiss back at the Academy, Sasuke was clearly willing. Or, at least, as willing as he ever was about anything. Which, admittedly, was not much.

The violent mashing of their mouths only lasted for a few seconds before Naruto turned to everyone and _beamed_. “Free ramen for _everyone_!” he announced gleefully, like the ring that now surrounded Sasuke’s finger magically bound him to Konoha forever. And, in fact, there probably _was_ a jutsu for that somewhere…

“Don’t be stupid,” Sasuke rolled his eyes.

The 114 assassination plans (minus the one that had just failed) suddenly expanded to 133 at Sasuke’s attitude.

But Naruto just grinned even _wider_ and laid a big, wet smack right on Sasuke’s cheek. “Don’t worry, honey. We’ll still have plenty of time for our wedding night.”

“ _Idiot_ ,” Sasuke fumed.

Naruto had never looked happier than being insulted by Sasuke after binding himself to life to the jerk.

The 133 assassination plans dwindled to 72.

And then to 29 when Naruto delighted at flicking noodles at Sasuke at the reception (which, in fact, actually _did_ serve ramen).

By the time Sasuke started persistently mocking Naruto by calling him “Uchiha Naruto” every five seconds until Naruto got right up in Sasuke’s face, smirked evilly, and then called him “ _Missus_ Uchiha Naruto” in front of everyone, and Sasuke let him live with nothing more than a blush and a grumbled insult, only the most hardened 11 still wanted Sasuke’s head on a platter. Not because they’d forgiven Sasuke, of course, but because none of them wanted to see that smile on Naruto’s face fade again.

As a result, it was the most peaceful Hokage’s wedding in all of Konoha history. Of course, it was also the _only_ Hokage’s wedding in all of Konoha history. And, with the attempted bombing right at the end, it wasn’t really _that_ peaceful anyway.

***

Naruto’s ANBU guard, of course, were still entirely wary of the traitor who had wormed his way into Naruto’s home and bed. It was quite possibly a bodyguard’s worst nightmare, as Neji was happy to divulge to anyone stuck on guard duty with him.

Even so, it was Naruto’s wedding night. And, even though Naruto had likely gotten too drunk for anything to happen _and_ everyone knew it was just a political marriage anyway, Neji felt the need to offer him some privacy.

Until Naruto suddenly screamed in the middle of the night, of course.

Four teams of ANBU instantly had the bedroom surrounded, outside the windows, doors, and even in the air vents. All of them saw Sasuke’s hand close over Naruto’s mouth, the Sharingan lit up in the darkness of the bedroom like a red demon’s eyes. Naruto’s eyes widened, like Sasuke had just suddenly turned on him and pinned him down. Over a dozen weapons and deadly jutsus took careful aim…

“I’m not letting _anyone_ say this marriage is incomplete,” Sasuke informed Naruto in a menacing growl.

And then Sasuke pulled open the sash of his robe and let the silk cloth fall free from his naked body.

Naruto’s eyes widened further, but he stopped struggling.

Over a dozen attacks were thrown, but each of their wielders managed to redirect them at the last millisecond, so that they all impacted harmlessly with the walls.

Slowly, methodically, Sasuke rose up over Naruto’s waist and then slid carefully back down in an unmistakable motion. His deadly eyes slid shut again in time with his grimace, but he went down determinedly all the way until he was seated entirely in Naruto’s lap.

“B-Bastard…” Naruto moaned and clutched at Sasuke’s hips.

“Idiot,” Sasuke agreed and began riding Naruto. The entire time, Sasuke’s gaze remained blank, distant, and emotionless as always.

Needless to say, it was one of those things that an ANBU witnessed but never, _ever_ spoke of again.

Which was how all of Konoha knew the following morning that the Hokage’s new marriage had been thoroughly consummated.

Well, that and the way Sasuke was trying to hide his limp.

***

There were three separate assassination attempts on Sasuke in that first week. The first two, by unfortunate coincidence, occurred at exactly the same time and effectively canceled each other out. Naruto actually laughed at that, while Sasuke just offered a disdainful “hn.”

The third was more serious.

The betrayal came, this time, from a secret ANBU unit, hidden within another secret ANBU unit, both of which still had loyalties to the elders and were still entirely committed to the destruction of the Uchiha clan.

While two of the rogue ANBU teams pretended to be regular attackers and drew off Neji’s guard, a third and fourth team of rogue jounin broke into the Hokage’s residence while Sasuke was alone.

Naruto, who’d been working (or rather hiding from his paperwork) at the time, dove straight into the battle outside the residence with the same pigheaded determination and lack of any kind of concern for his own safety that had finally won him the Hokage job in the first place.

Nevertheless, it took Naruto and his loyal ANBU guard a full five minutes to get past the distraction. It was more than enough time for everything in the Hokage’s residence to play out to the deadly end.

“Sa-a-asuke!” Naruto shouted at an ear-piercing pitch when he finally made it back home. “Where are you, you bastard? I won’t forgive you if you’re dead!”

The ANBU guard that accompanied Naruto froze behind him when they entered the main living area and saw the mangled corpses strewn about. Faces of the assassins were frozen in abject horror, blood spattered the walls, and the final gurgle of a death cry could be heard from one of the bodies.

In the center of it all, Sasuke crouched, eyes swirling a demonic red, his sword drawn in an almost relaxed manner, coated with the assassins’ blood. He looked completely untouched, except for one splattered drop of his victims’ blood that trailed down a porcelain-cold cheek.

The ANBU guard stopped dead in their tracks at the death aura Sasuke was emitting.

Naruto blindly charged on. “You stupid bastard!” he screamed in Sasuke’s face and caught him up in what looked to be a lethal hug. “You’re not allowed to get killed!”

“Oof!” Sasuke wheezed, and the force of Naruto’s embrace caused the sword to fall from his grip.

“You’re _bleeding_!” Naruto flailed at the blood-splatter on Sasuke’s cheek. “Why are you bleeding? Wa-a-a-ah!”

Sasuke caught his breath, shoved Naruto away, and wiped at the blood on his cheek. “It’s not my blood,” he said dispassionately. “ _Idiot_.”

“I’m so, so sorry, Sasuke-bastard!” Naruto continued to wail, like Sasuke hadn’t neatly murdered everything within a mile radius without so much as breaking a sweat. “I promised I would protect you, and then this!” And then Naruto immediately started bawling and trying to squeeze the life out of Sasuke’s body again.

Sasuke twitched and fidgeted but didn’t seem able to fight off Naruto’s arms this time.

“Don’t be stupid,” he said, for good measure.

Neji looked away uncomfortably, and the blood on the floor squelched under his sandals.

Shikamaru coughed, more disturbed by the bizarre tableau Naruto and Sasuke painted than the dismembered corpses strewn everywhere.

In unison, everyone hastily retreated to give Naruto and Sasuke their privacy.

***

“You know what the biggest nightmare of this whole crazy marriage is?” Shikamaru announced one day when he’d gotten a bit too tipsy after Sasuke had been particularly menacing and unfathomable during his guard shift.

“Other than the fact that Our Illustrious Hokage,” Sakura said it with enough sarcastic fondness that no one minded, “has married a certified sociopath?”

“Sasuke is completely irrational. He’s banned me from ever even entering Naruto’s presence,” Sai added. “Why do you think _that_ is?” He smiled the most falsely innocent smile anyone had ever seen.

No one had the heart to explain to him that his continued efforts to examine Naruto’s penis were undoubtedly the solution to _that_ little mystery.

Neji, who – with Shikamaru – had to spend the most time in close quarters with the new Hokage’s family, knew _exactly_ what the correct answer to Shikamaru’s rant was. “The diplomatic nightmare?”

“Ugh, yes,” Shikamaru groaned into his drink.

“Eh?” Kiba looked like he dreaded asking. “What’s Uchiha done _this_ time?”

“Summit. New Raikage was there.” Shikamaru shivered.

“Gaara, too,” Sai reminded him unhelpfully. “Don’t forget Gaara.”

“Gaara is very protective of Naruto,” Shikamaru shivered some more. “So’s his brother.”

“And _sister_ ,” Sai prodded.

Shikamaru’s eyes widened in horrified recollection. “Don’t remind me…”

“We got away from it without an international incident,” Sakura insisted. “At least be grateful to that.”

“Don’t two Kages challenging the Hokage’s new wife to duels to the death _count_ as international incidents?” Ino suggested evilly.

“Not if they don’t _actually_ fight to the death,” Neji insisted.

“Barely. Only because Naruto cut in like an idiot,” Sakura groaned and downed another drink.

Neji groaned, too, and banged his head on the bar. “Why did I agree to be his bodyguard?” he asked rhetorically.

“Because you’re an idiot?” Kiba suggested cheekily.

“Sounds plausible,” Sai agreed.

“If Uchiha doesn’t manage to turn the whole ninja world against Konoha within the year, it’ll be a _miracle_ ,” Shikamaru complained.

“Why on earth did Naruto marry him in the first place?” Neji agreed.

Everyone looked at Sakura.

“Don’t look at _me_!” she exclaimed. “They’re both certifiable, as far as I can tell. Ugh. I can’t believe I used to have a thing for _either_ of them.”

Everyone took a moment to reflect on the wisdom of that.

“Well,” Sai finally said, “maybe it’s because Sasuke was the only man Naruto could find with a smaller penis than his.” He beamed at his conclusion.

Everyone promptly tried to bleach their minds of the wisdom of _that_.

***

It wasn’t just that everyone in Konoha generally disliked Sasuke (if not outright hated him) or that Sasuke had gotten off scot-free with years of betrayal or even that Sasuke had somehow swooped in and taken the second-highest position in all of Konoha. Although, admittedly, all of those things irked.

The thing that _really_ bugged Naruto’s friends, though, was Sasuke’s attitude. Sasuke insulted Naruto. Constantly. He treated everyone else like they didn’t exist. And, if anyone ever tried to _challenge_ Sasuke on any of this, he was as psycho as ever.

Despite all this, Naruto always looked delighted by Sasuke’s deranged behavior.

“Idiot,” Sasuke grumbled when Naruto gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Moron,” Sasuke hissed whenever Naruto’s arms slipped around his waist.

And, although all the ANBU denied knowing about it: “Dead last,” Sasuke growled when Naruto took him from behind.

“It’s disrespectful,” Kiba complained.

“What am I supposed to do about it?” Neji said wearily.

“It’s not helping Naruto’s position among the Kages,” Gaara pointed out.

“Believe me, I _know_ ,” Shikamaru groaned.

“Is it just me, or is Uchiha not always entirely polite?” Lee asked, sounding almost apologetic for having the thought.

“Not. Just. You,” Sakura said between gritted teeth.

But, in the end, there really was nothing anyone could do.

“Here, Sasuke-bastard, give me a kiss,” Naruto teased in his office one day in front of two ANBU teams, the newest genin, and Suna’s latest embassy.

Sasuke’s eye twitched. “Don’t be stupid,” was all he said, and he shoved Naruto’s questing lips away vehemently.

***

It finally came to a head at the end of the year when the Tsuchikage decided that Sasuke couldn’t be left to live as Naruto’s spouse. There had been assassination attempts aplenty on Sasuke before, but none so well-coordinated as this.

It came at another summit. The Tsuchikage himself was negotiating a trade agreement with Gaara at the time, which both gave him a perfect alibi and kept Gaara preoccupied during those first critical minutes when he inevitably would have backed up Naruto’s guard.

The entire delegation had, in fact, been drugged with a mild sedative at the dinner that night. It was nothing dangerous; the Tsuchikage wasn’t suicidal. But it was enough to make the Konoha guards a little bit less alert than usual and a little slower to react.

The _coup de grâce_ , though, came in the form of a special sealing jutsu that had been passed through the shadows of Iwa since before the village had been founded. Only four members of the Tsuchikage’s personal guard knew how to create the four points of the seal. It wasn’t a flashy technique because, even with four powerful ninjas casting it, it could only cover an area of a few dozen square feet. But, when the target was an Uchiha with the most powerful eyes in the ninja world, it was crucial.

The Blinding Seal struck Sasuke hard and fast just as he was (somewhat dizzily) heading for bed. He’d been suspicious of his sudden fatigue in any case, but the sudden loss of his eyesight clinched it. He tried activating his Sharingan and then Mangekyou. And, although he could _feel_ his eyes transforming, he still couldn’t see a thing.

At that time, the Tsuchikage’s guard descended on the Konoha embassy. There was no killing – the Tsuchikage didn’t want an all-out war – just a massive disabling of Konoha’s forces. If the Tsuchikage’s intelligence was correct (and it was), only the Hokage himself in Konoha would have been willing to go to war over the last Uchiha’s death. It would be a diplomatically troublesome position to maintain for a while, but eventually, for the sake of his people, the Hokage would have to back down.

It was, in short, a brilliant political play that would have worked with any other Kage in history. Unfortunately for the Tsuchikage, of course, Naruto wasn’t even remotely sane.

Even without his sight, Sasuke sensed when the enemy entered his and Naruto’s suite. He disarmed two of the enemy ninjas blind, but the Tsuchikage had anticipated initial casualties, even when Sasuke couldn’t use his Sharingan.

A third assassin took advantage of the split second beat after Sasuke felled the first of his attackers with his sword. Just as the third assassin began to deliver his death blow, Naruto ran in blind and screaming, seemingly out of nowhere, and knocked him off course.

“Idiot!” Sasuke pivoted perfectly on his heel and aimed his sword at the third assassin. He heard a fourth to left, a fifth above, and a sixth outside the door. Two teams, then. Probably.

“Bastard!” Naruto said just as furiously and turned his back to Sasuke so that they could defend themselves from attackers on all sides. “Did you really think you could handle them all by yourself _blind_?” He landed a Rasengan on the fifth attacker, who had just dropped from the ceiling vent.

“Moron. I don’t need your help.” Sasuke proceeded to mercilessly slice the fourth assassin in two.

“Also: Do you have to kill _everyone_ all the time?” Naruto complained, dodging a blow from a new team that had just burst into their suite.

“They’re trying to kill me,” Sasuke hissed through clenched teeth and felled two more.

They found themselves swarmed at that point, and even two ninjas of their caliber didn’t have time to argue while fighting _that_ many assassins. Or, at least, not when they couldn’t even see their attackers.

They probably would have cheerfully won that way, especially when the casters of the Blinding Seal drained their chakra too much to maintain it, but apparently one of the Iwa chuunin came from the Uzumaki Naruto School of Battle Tactics and, at the sight of Sasuke’s Sharingan fully active and deadly once more, accidentally stumbled across the most brilliant (or stupidest) plan ever.

Naruto had been well on his way to instantly eliminating the entire enemy flank when that one chuunin, who took studying his enemy’s weaknesses very seriously, suddenly shouted out “Ramen no Jutsu!” and instantly transformed himself into a human-sized bowl of ramen.

Across the room, Sasuke’s eye twitched at the idiocy of _that_ , and he instantly finished off his opponents because, just as he’d known would happen, Naruto had stopped fighting like an absolute _buffoon_ when he saw the giant bowl of ramen, and _all_ the remaining ninjas simultaneously took advantage of the unexpected opening to attack.

If the Iwa ninjas had known just _how_ homicidal striking Naruto down would make Sasuke, they might have reconsidered. Or, then again, they might not. After all, it had been a suicide mission to begin with.

The Konoha ninjas finally regrouped to find Naruto bleeding profusely on the floor, disturbing pieces of what had once been Iwa ninjas strewn all around, and Sasuke kneeling over his dying body, screaming in his face.

“What kind of complete _imbecile_ falls for a _giant bowl of ramen henge_?!” Sasuke yelled, while Shikamaru tried to pull him off Naruto’s body so that Sakura could try to save him.

It wasn’t until later, when the critical period had passed, that everyone present realized how their Hokage had actually been defeated.

“You know,” Neji banged his head against the back of his chair in the hospital waiting room, “I think I’m starting to sympathize with Uchiha. I’m going to kill Naruto.”

“That would be counterproductive, as his bodyguard,” Lee informed him helpfully.

Neji just glared at him.

***

In the two weeks it took Naruto to regain consciousness, Naruto’s inner circle of friends finally had to admit that, just maybe, they’d misjudged Sasuke. That entire time, Sasuke hadn’t left Naruto’s side and had nearly eviscerated five different nurses, only _three_ of whom were actually enemy assassins.

“B-B-Bastard?” was Naruto’s first word when he awoke. “Is the bastard okay?”

“ _Moron_!” Sasuke shot back immediately. “How many times do I have to tell you: _Don’t be stupid_!”

And for the first time, it was obvious to everyone eavesdropping, as it must have been to Naruto all along, that those three words meant something very different when translated from Uchiha back into Sane Person.

“Aww,” Naruto managed a weak grin. “You always say the sweetest things to me. I love you too, you arrogant jerk.”

“Dead last…” Sasuke sighed wistfully, in a way that could almost be interpreted as affectionate. Or, at least, not actively hostile, which for Sasuke was pretty much the same thing.

“Come on, bastard.” Naruto gestured for Sasuke to come closer. “Give me a kiss.”

“Ugh. I hate that sort of thing.”

“A hug?”

Sasuke just glared.

Naruto scratched his head. “I mean, the only thing you really _like_ is taking it up the ass, but I’m not in position to do that right now, sorry.”

“Sh-Shut _up_!” Sasuke sputtered indignantly.

Naruto smiled like he’d just won the whole world.

“I don’t care,” Sakura said, although she looked more amused than anything else. “I’m _still_ killing Sasuke.”

“He’s the worst,” Neji agreed.

“A PR nightmare,” Shikamaru agreed.

“And, look at that!” Sai pointed to the slot in the blinds where they were all spying on Naruto’s hospital room. “His penis _is_ smaller than Naruto’s!”

It wasn’t a happy ending, but it _was_ a thoroughly ridiculous one. And, with Naruto as Hokage, that was the best anyone could hope for.

Sakura snapped their spy-hole closed.


End file.
